i shall replace moi tagboard asap..... lol... i am studying history.... haiz.... sadness.... at least all the o levels shit is coming to an end. overview of how i did... i really cannot tell... i mean the papers are WIERD... they dun make sense to me lah!! logically speaking it means i am dead lo..... but i really cannot tell. its nt as if i cannot do, but i am nt confident. aiya, dun care lah.... the most i go some shit skool n my life would be totally spun out of control as i would be away frm the ppl i know n my future will be filled wif uncertainty n bleakness as it seems tat since u cum to dhs u shld go to the top 5 jc but since i may flop tis has become a unreachable goal.... O THE HOPELESSNESS!! lol.. i love drama.... since i am the chairperson... i muz write a speech to be addressed to the skool during graduatuion. i sat on my toilet bowl n tink n tink.. i really dunno wat to say. everything seem to jus hang on the edge of ur tongue. u dun wanna sound cliche n boring but u dun hav anything to say tat may cos any impact, may it be as big as a ripple. i dun hav the words, the oral skills, all i have is the heart lo at best. i mean the skool will be gone, the uniform will totally be changed and everybody scattered to their various jcs.... wat can u say abt such ugly future prospects. wat can i say to the cls?? n i dun wanna cry in front of the skool lah, i may lor!! n in the back of my mind i am tinking abt the cold war.... i tink i need to watch some XENA!! lol haiz... yz now preparing her new album... so veh quiet till nxt yr march leh!! i wanna die.... tell u a secret... whenever i start a paper, i will tell myself " u muz excel like yz!!" i know it sound sick n stupid lah, but at least it helps me release some stress n giv me some kind of confidence. i now underatand y they are called idols. fans 'worship' them, n see them as role models. n in times where some form of spiritual support is needed they become forms of motivation! i am nt jking. i read alot of ppl telling how they tink abt how xin ku yz is doing wat she is doing then we muz do the same. well at least her influence is positive. i guess its a phase, but teenager dun go for religion.... n many a times u dun really 'look up to god' as a role model. if u do, gd for u!! so.... yah, another one of my attempts to justify my support for yz. but wat i say is true.... nt only me use yz as a 'support'. tats y being a public figure, ur behaviour muz always be at ur best, its a civic duty...... i learnt a very impt thing frm yz....lol... dun mind me...lol.... i learnt to always think abt urself, be centered n nt lose urself. in daily life, we always do wat ppl want us to do no matter if it makes us happy or nt. we are always giving n giving, n one day u will definitely dry up. i learnt tat aft everything u do... always check tat tis is wat I want, i am happy doing it. then u will be a happy person...... its nt selfish thinking. only when u are happy, u can spread the joy to ppl. be urself!! for example a singer doing albums... u dun jus produce songs tat the market wants, n giv n giv blindly... saying " wat u want i jus giv lah". u shld produce the songs u want to show ppl, songs tat u want ppl to listen to n say " this is wat i have, hope u like it"!! lol... another of my wierd examples.... go be happy ppl... be urself.... OVER N OUT
8:10 AM
Friday, November 03, 2006
yo... lol... SURPRISE!!! lol... i call this 'practicing for my english paper'..... i always tot tat i can okay jus by myself... living in my own world.... doing my stuff.... but i guess i am jus trying to comfort my self lah. u see...i realise tat i am a very obsessed person... when i am into something... I AM INTO tat somthing..... i was never into studying lah sadly. so though i shld be studying... i am doing alot of pointless net surfing to feed my obsessions. i always wonder y... guess i found the ans. cos nobody around me like the stuff i like!! i hav to get online to look for ppl hu are like as crazy as myself.... n its sad!!... i look at some of the stuff they po on9 n i would be like...'she's crazy'... but to say the truth... i feel the some way sometimes... i may nt be as obsessed, but i am still like 'one of them'...lol... when i realise 'the truth'... i have tis empty feeling... lol... like 'i dun want tis man...' will i be like tis all my life.... alone.... living in my own world... doing my own stuff.... its nt okay. maybe its the sudying alone thing.... studying makes u feel so alone.... but i dun wanna stdy wif other ppl oso.... so its all my fault lah....lol... the irony.... when u have an empty feeling inside u... u would tend to fill the emptiness wif mindless things, like tv or obsessions... wooh... sounds like i have an empty feeling...LOL... nt funny.... so as i was doing my stuff on youtube... watching stuff.... i gt really obsessed wif stuff tat ellen degeneres do... the stand up comedy n stuff... she is super funny lah.... then BAM!! i found out tat she is like gay... n tis made me super obsessed...lol... then it made me rmb abt the conversation i had wif diane abt lesbians n gays... some ppl really think it is sick n wrong... i rmb saying to her tat i dun feel gays are wrong jus tat i dun wan anybody ard me to be one.... then it hit me... actually i dun mind if anyone ard me is gay.... i mean it is perfectly FINE!! then i realise i said tat cause diane really really dun like gays... so i said tat so as nt to make her freaked out by me.... ppl always wants to bland in... be the majority... so we say n do things tat are 'right' even if u may feel otherwise... but there is nothing wrong to be different. i am reading n seeing alot of gay stuff.... i mean the pt of views n some films which by the way are veh healthy n educational lah.... i realise tat they are jus being hu they are.... u cant help it but like the same sex mah... like some ppl jus cannot be vegetarians cos they like meat... if u get wat i mean.... we are always shooting things down if they are different frm the 'norm'. jus like homosexuals are wrong cos the are different. i am nt a veh religious person... so i am speaking in a very 'non religious' way. it says in a film... a line says...' how can something tat comes frm so much love ever be wrong'....amen to tat!... so r u ppl wierded out by me...lol... i did some soul searching n.... i tink i am straight....lol.... on9 i came across alot of ppl hu claim tat they are gays.... honestly... i dun believe half of them... i tink most of then are jus saying tat jus cos they think some actress or gal is hot n WALAH...IM GAY... some ppl are jus saying to be ' cool'... i tink tis is very very very unfair to ppl tat are really different(i mean gays) n are living their lives in shame n secrecy.... coming out for lets say a 40 yr old lesbian is like the most difficult thing to do... overnite u could lose all ur 'friends'.... does sexual orientation really matters in a friendship.... its jus sad lah... looking into gay stuff really open my eyes to humanity... we can be so ugly, yet we can create love tat is so beautiful... so imho... i dun mind gays jus like i dun mind other races.... i mean we are humans... learn to love somemore!! peace.... OVER N OUT
